New Music: Pharkamon

Posted: February 5, 2013 in New Music
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Everybody always writes about the Best New Music.  Well what about the Worst New Music?  I think I have officially found the worst “music” my poor ears have ever endured.  Spin Magazine just listed Pharkamon as one of the 5 Best New Artists of February 2013.  I would love to have seen the reaction in the room when this song was played as a suggested inclusion in the article.  And I would love to know what the editors were smoking, drinking, injecting, and popping all at the same time when they agreed that this could even be considered music let alone be considered “The Best” of anything.  As I write this article I am attempting to listen to the entire 12 minutes, 2 seconds of noise from the below YouTube video of one of New Yorker, Margaret Chardiet’s performances.  I am at the 9 minute mark right now and I can feel the warm trickle of blood pouring out of my ears.  I have chills, my stomach is turning and my head is pounding.  I challenge you to hit play and try to not to turn it off before you finish reading this.  I can only think to classify this genre as Electro-Noise-Scream.  Also known as What-The-Fuck-Is-This-Crap-I’m-Listening-To.  The most exciting part of the Spin Article was the explanation of how you cannot find her album anywhere because she has recorded it fully from scratch twice and (thank whatever Deity you pray to) has decided not to release it.   The only thing scarier than this music is the fact there are probably thousands of jet black haired, black eyeliner and black nail polished, black trench coat wearing Goth kids out there waiting impatiently for the album to be released.  If any law enforcement officials are reading this I encourage you to go to the comment section on YouTube and put every author of a positive comment on a watch list.  One of them will leave their parent’s basement eventually and kill multiple people with homemade explosives.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  The video has finally ended and my body is starting to recover.  I have found music’s rock-bottom and there is nowhere to go but up.  I think I will listen to a Nicki Minaj song right now because this is the only time I will ever enjoy hearing her auto-tuned, whiny voice.  “Ahhhhh……..Moment 4 Life” – thankfully signed, My Ears.


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